Picture the scene: Two siblings are fighting and their mom is desperately trying to implement all the behavioral tips she’s studied to ease the conflict. But the bickering kids keep at it. She feels herself getting more and more tense and frustrated. After repeating herself again and again, the exasperated mom yells, criticizes and threatens severe punishments.

Admittedly, it’s difficult to stay regulated when your child is pushing all the right buttons. But keeping your cool creates a powerful model for children and allows you to show up in a way that can actually improve family dynamics.

Tyler Sasser, who works in the Behavior and Attention Management Program at Seattle Children’s Hospital, often hears from parents who aren’t showing up in the way they want.

Often, a caregiver’s own triggers and emotions surrounding a child’s behavior can spike unhelpful urges and reactions. That’s why Sasser suggests pausing before acting to determine: Can I regulate myself enough in this moment to not make the situation worse?

Admittedly, it’s difficult to stay regulated when your child is pushing all the right buttons. But keeping your cool creates a powerful model for children and allows you to show up in a way that can actually improve family dynamics.

Self-regulation efforts are not about detaching or suppressing one’s feelings, he cautioned. Kids often perceive when a parent is externally calm, but secretly simmering with frustration or withering with fear. Another common misstep: Trying to calm yourself after an escalation cycle has already started. At that point, a parent might already be struggling with feelings of shame, guilt or embarrassment, which can complicate the process.

Instead, try to catch your child’s behaviors — and your responses — earlier in the chain, well before you lose your cool.

If you feel yourself escalating, try taking the opposite approach. For example, when you experience the urge to yell, whisper. Instead of repeating a command for the fifth time, sprinkle in some humor to ease the tension.

Take a breather, but stay engaged

While it might be tempting to escape a tense situation entirely, try to remain in the game, while adding some room for reflection.

Even waiting 1 to 5 minutes before acting can make a big difference. That delay means you might have to let a situation play out longer than you’d like, and face the fears that something bad will happen in those moments.

While you’re taking a beat, identify how your emotions and self-talk are driving your urges. How does your temperament, upbringing, identity and lived experiences shape the lens through which you view the present situation? What inner dialogues — for example, “Am I failing as a parent?” — alter your response?

Another key step in the process is the recognition that true behavioral shifts take time. Behavior change happens over weeks and months, not minutes or days.

Once you’ve regained composure, you can reengage with the evidence-based behavioral strategies you’ve learned and practiced for, such as special one-on-one time or reinforcement.

Parental regulation is important for everyone, and has short- and long-term implications. In the moment, a regulated reaction can help defuse a heated situation. Children are more likely to regulate themselves and even apologize when a parent stays calm. On the flip side, harsh words and consequences will likely extend the tension or exacerbate the problem.

The better we understand our own complexities, the more wholeheartedly we can show up for our children. Check out our podcast to learn how you can develop parenting ‘self-awareness’ and get strategies for more present and intentional parenting.

The ability to stick with evidence-based behavioral strategies — even when they take time to stick — will yield long-term benefits. Plus, modeling that regulation can influence a children’s own responses as they mimic parents’ reactions.

In the longer term, maintaining control can help improve a parent’s sense of identity and reduce feelings of shame or embarrassment that arise from “losing it.” Ultimately, the goal isn’t perfection, but achieving more regulated moments over time.

Excerpted from “Why Self-Regulation Is a Parent’s Most Powerful Tool” in Parent Map. Read the full article online.

Source: Parent Map | Why Self-Regulation Is a Parent’s Most Powerful Tool, https://www.parentmap.com/article/parent-self-regulation-helps-kids-stay-calm © ParentMap (Gracie Enterprises Limited Liability Company) 2025